The time I thought I "killed" Gerard

This story makes me laugh every time I remember it. It borders on "bathroom humor" so don't bother reading this post if that offends or disgusts you.

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Anybody still here?


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Gerard and I played on the wildly successful SPA freshmen basketball team together. Well, mostly he played and I practiced and held down the end of the bench. The gyms on campus were full, so we huffed it daily to a gym on the St. Cate's campus. If you've played organized basketball, you might be familiar with the Jump Stop drill. Players each have a ball and move up and down the court in a series of straight lines. At the coach's whistle, you alternate between ordinary dribbling and jump stops. A jump stop is like a standing broad jump where you attempt to land on both feet simultaneously. It's a strategic way of stopping your dribble because you can legally choose which is your pivot foot. Otherwise, the foot to land first is your pivot foot. Thus, we practiced jump stops.

One nondescript afternoon, Gerard was immediately behind me. I remember dribbling a few feet ahead, when suddenly Gerard began yelping and screaming! I whirled fully expecting to see Gerard's leg twisted into some unnatural position, or his arm bent the wrong way. Instead, Gerard was waving his arms madly in front of his face and yelling "Dave! Jesus!"

What really happened?

Who knows what was served at lunch that day. More likely, I can't recall what food my mother prepared the night before, but something had died and "turned to the dark side" in the nether regions of my bowels. On that particular day, apparently a section of my gastrointestinal system occupied it's own plane of hell. The jarring force of landing consecutive jump stops overcame my sphinctal-muscular system and I, knowingly or not, created a death cloud of sorts in my wake. Gerard was the unfortunate soul in line behind me. It wasn't exactly a miracle to be investigated by the Vatican, but it was enough to break up a jump stop drill.

I'm glad I didn't prematurely end Gerard's athletic career and I'm glad they didn't need to evacuate the building. I regret the unfortunate circumstances and that I didn't set any official school records that day.

I wish there was a moral to this story. Sorry Gerard.

Dave